I saw my dad today.

Of course it wasn’t really my dad. He’s gone. One year ago yesterday in fact. I looked at the date and there it was….one year deathiversary. Sigh.

The man I saw was in the airport. He was just a regular guy, an attendant at the gate. Older, blue eyes, pointed nose, not a small nose, face a bit worn looking, scruffy whiskers that needed a little shave. My dad looked a bit like that and more often as he was older. No time or energy to get fancy. I didn’t really notice him until he yawned. He yawned a big sleepy yawn, where your whole face pulls down, almost uncontrollable at some point. My dad would yawn like that when he was really tired. I noticed it more as he got older. And more advanced in the Parkinson’s. So I saw this man, a stranger, yawn this big yawn. It was only 9:15 am…ha! I just flashed to my dad, and seeing him on my visits, loving him, and respecting him, through all his struggles. I always thought it was a bit regressive, child-like, to yawn like that. They say that happens as you get older.

I miss my dad. He was a good guy.

I’m Alive

It’s London and they speak English and laugh out loud and joke openly and I see colors of people and varieties of clothing styles and people thank each other for bus rides and favors…..it’s a wonderful, new world.

The sun shines brighter when you’re happy, what an interesting phenomenon.

What’s even more of a phenomenon is that I didn’t know how asleep I’ve been.

Changes

Had to move out of my original dwelling. Its funny in a way, because I had been there quite a while with family, and I felt a bit awkward since I’m usually independent and have never stayed with anyone so long. But I was nervous to go out on my own in a foreign place. So, even though it wasn’t ideal, I stayed. I also was with family, which is important in my life. I’m not sure if I will have that opportunity again to see them and get to know them in that way.

But now….it feels like it is good to be away. Stresses about being there are seen in a different light and its a healthy thing that I am gone. There are other stresses now, as these things go. As life is. But perspective is everything!

Tired now

It’s been great here in Berlin, in Germany. Can’t say its been what I expected, although my expectations may have been high. People say not to do that, have high expectations. I disagree. In college I saw a counselor who responded when I told him/her I usually had low expectations and high hopes – I forget now their gender- they said, if you do that, you are never satisfied and you sell yourself short.  That its ok to have high expectations. Its not ok to think they will come true all the time. Well, I suppose its not a crime, but, one needs to be able to problem solve and move forward when things don’t turn out as expected.

And so its been. I’m quite sure my friends are happy for me being able to take this time. And I know plenty envy my time away, I’ve heard as much. And I have felt silly having complaints, knowing full well that is going on. But I have truly come to a Big Awakening how the grass IS always greener… that saying. If your mind goes down that path. And maybe there is the rub.

How do you balance wanting change, wanting improvement, having high expectations when you think others have it easier? Or better somehow? Does that mean you are forever striving and never there …on “the other side”?

I don’t have the answer. Sorry about that. I’m doing my best to figure out what I really need too.

As I see it, we all are still striving and looking and learning. They also say (you know, all those wise people who have been able to transcend).. that the journey is the prize. That our path is the reward. Woah.

So I never arrive. So I’m never there. So how do I find peace? How do I know to stop and smell the roses? Oh, so maybe all that is the on the path too.

Someone I knew, not well, but who was a fun loving, funny, not super successful financially (as far as I know) great person kind of guy, died a day or so ago. Facebook told me. He lived life and touched people with his humor. Maybe its less about me and more about touching others. I mean, how else does the rest matter? Not that it needs to be a huge impact, and I need to follow my own advice on this. And again, its nothing I haven’t heard before. A Buddhist speaker on TED talks said as much. That happiness will come from considering others and doing for others in our lives, as we make decisions and do whatever we do.

And so I ponder. Listening for my own voice among the many many many people talking at me.

A shift

Not sure how it happened….

But I’m glad it did.

Mercury in retrograde. Practicing gratitude. Making plans on moving forward. More sunshine. Adjusting my goals. Narrowing down decisions. Being seen more. Talking to others who I connect with (that I hadn’t found yet). Sharing my struggles. Getting a haircut.

These all were at play.

Some on the list are more in my control than others, so I like to think I had something to do with my circumstances. But ultimately…. I won’t and don’t know. And I’m not into figuring out all that anymore. At least not more than I just did. Not that I won’t wonder.

But for now, happily in a better frame.

What will make it better?

I’m going to Poland again. It’ll be my third time. And it’ll be my third time in a span of 6 months. I feel kind of drawn to Poland. Maybe its the cheap prices!

The first trip in September was with my son. I was adamant that he sees where his Oma was from. Not that he argued, but it was a big priority for me. He was only going to be with me about 3 weeks on his trip from the Philippines and this was an important piece of his life, of mine too. And it was so memorable to share the experience.

The second trip was over New Year’s. The new year was 2015. It was a few days only and I went alone. I was meeting a guy, a man, I met in Berlin briefly who was going too. Haven’t spoken to him since the trip…which is fine, really it is. I met, on the train to Warsaw, a couple (former pair, now friends) and the woman is a student near Berlin who I consider a friend now. Great luck to meet her, great time for new years to get away and see a cool new place, and more Poland.

This, my third trip, is again to think about my mom. Breslau, now Wroclaw, was a big city where she studied. Its about an hour and a half car drive from her hometown. I’m not sure how she would go in the 1920s….by train? Cars had just become in the mainstream. I will spend time in the big city and her hometown too. I want to walk in her footsteps, so to speak. I’m not sure what the pull is. She talked about it and I have pictures and papers.

Maybe I will soon get clear what is churning around in my mind and heart. It’s not just curiosity. It’s not just history. There is something deep and urgent about the knowledge I seek. Or maybe its just a way to keep her memory in my heart, to experience places she has experienced. I’m not sure if that is sustainable over time…especially not in Poland! I will see how these next days in Breslau go. I will seek the unknown answers to the unknown questions in my heart. It’s an interesting journey. It’s part of the past, part of her and my and our family’s past. And still, that’s not the end. It’s for my future and my ability to move forward. It’s for the stories that will never be repeated by anyone else.

A time to grieve

Wise words and phrases that my mom and dad used to say throughout my life are frequently flowing through my thoughts. They are in English, German, Gaelic, Latin….  All in languages that my parents threw around like it was normal knowledge. Now I know better.
The grieving piece that I need and will continue to need, is definitely moving forward. Thank goodness for that. Talking with friends of my mom and my parents has been so bittersweet for me and for them as well. Strangely, or maybe not, two have passed in the time that I’ve been here in Berlin. I didn’t get to see them. A few I have talked with on the phone. A few I saw in person and there are still a few more to see.  If nothing else is accomplished, that time and space to sort through the grieving energy and the process of letting go will be a huge gift.  This whole time is a gift.

….I forget to name that important piece about this trip. But really its probably at the core of it all. The tasks really could wait. The traveling could wait. But not the emotional realities.

Pictures: the Dilemma.

I’m not sure why it is such a hard thing for me. Is it that I’m too cautious? Not selfish enough? Not clear on my intentions?

I just experienced a wonderful birthday party for the little daughter in my home family. It was a sweet, fun party (of course including some sibling drama, but that’s normal, right?) I am filled with regret about this and some past events where I didn’t take pictures. My camera is not the best and the lighting was not good. I would have had to use flash, which I consider not flattering and is often intrusive.

But these are unique days for me. I will want to reflect on these later. I will want to remember the people and discussions and histories….

But how do I store all these pictures? They are digital. And I’m faced with stacks of old pictures from my mother at this very moment– trying to come to grips with their meaning, their rich history (unspoken) and the weight of their presence. What’s a modern person to do with this stuff? Is it old fashioned to take pictures? But I will miss these people and I will be searching my memories for details in the near and far future.

So I resolve to do better. I think I’ve been through this cycle of thoughr before. Yet, I will try again. These moments are fleeting. Yes, its accumulation of stuff. And yet, I can’t get these moments back. But I want to live in the moment too, and not just think of pictures. But really, taking the photos takes but a few seconds.

Ok ok….more pictures. I’d rather have them than not. Flash be damned. Intrusion effect be damned. I will benefit from this as will others. It’s a love thing. It’s a sharing thing. We’re not getting any younger.

Conflicted holiday

I get a little soft seeing all the happy family holiday pictures. I mean, it always looks like people are so happy together, I see lots of food and gifts. Pretty decorations. And I really am happy for people.

But I’m a cynic (?) about the holidays….and I never feel quite at ease with it all. Maybe it’s the hype. Once something reaches a certain popularity, I recoil from it, so something less mainstream could work better. Maybe.

We used to do Christmas like nobody’s business. When I say “we” I mean when I was with my parents growing up. My mom decorated every picture frame and for knob, we had the little German angel choirs (we had 3 or 4 different groups), had a ritual for how to decorate the tree, and all the cards we received were strung up for view and decoration along some banister or shelf edge. In all honesty, it was quite beautiful and festive. There was just one Santa on a doorknob hanger, so that probably helped avoid a kitschy look of a 1000 Santas. We had several crèche sets too. There were cookie baking days and also a festive Christmas Eve meal, plus the day meal. Lots of candles and an advent wreath and Christmas table cloths made you realize we were doing a German theme.

One year, as we had to sing holiday songs, I remember I was forced to play piano. I didn’t like playing on command, even though I really like how pianos sound. I never was amazing, but I was able to play. It was a bit traumatic.

So when, and if, I do any holiday or Christmas things, its super low key. There’s a beautiful wood angel candle holder I keep out all year. There’s a cute, small Mexican porcelain creche I sometimes take out. I play the Yule Log channel in the TV, which is good goofy fun and can be cozy. One year since I had my son I had a tree. We strung popcorn and that was fun. I do a few cards or gifts to close friends or people far away.

This year in Germany I’m doing it…and I’m OK. I make conscious decisions and there is some pressure, and it wasn’t too crazy, especially since Christmas is overall more mellow here, by design. The society consciously keep things tempered. Keeps stores from being open 24/7, that kind of thing.

But I always feel a bit like, “hey loosen up! It’s just a day! Play along and just do the superficial thing! It’s fun, really! ….you’ll see!” And I do, I have, and probably will continue to try to get in the mood of it all. Some years more than others. I’ve just never been good at going along with things I didn’t buy into.

I’m more of a New Year’s celebrator. That is a much clearer  objective! New beginnings. Transition from one year to the next.  Leave the old stuff behind. Reflect on the positive events.

Train to Frankfurt

Dear Son,
I’m at the train station in Berlin. About to head to Frankfurt for a meeting about the apartment. I’m remembering you and I were in Frankfurt in December 2010 after Oma died in October. It was snowy and we called Opa from the Weihnachtsmarkt…do you remember you talked to him on my cell phone and I took your picture? Our hotel was by the river and it had the red tile bathroom and the enclosed patio overlooking the river. The neon dancing woman on the side of the building was our landmark so we would be able to find our way back.

We went to be with family in Berlin (on the train, so, the opposite path that I’m taking today!) for the Christmas days, where the Spree River was covered in ice sheets! We had the wonderful meal with the vegetarian roast and duck options, red cabbage, white cabbage, the Turkish spinach cake that was so good. And the wine ended up being from Livermore, CA! The great fondue the next night. We went to the Hitler exhibit so that you could see a bit of history. You played with the kids and you tested the ice on the water in the Zooligischen Garten.

It was so bittersweet that we could all be together in Germany, but without Oma or Opa.

You were such a help to me, just being there. It was fun learning about the freezing weather and listening to the German radio in the rental car. Remember the techno Barbara Streisand song? And the Bruno Mars song Amazing? I wonder what you remember especially? I’m sure you could fill in some gaps for me.

I miss you, love. Not only because it’s the holidays, since, you know I’m not a big celebrator of Christmas. Probably, too, because you are getting older and you’re forging your path in life with less and less reliance on me. You just are such a special piece in my life, and peace in my life. Funny, this note wasn’t really going to be about all that.

And I miss Oma and Opa, too.  This December will be the second birthday of Opa’s without him. I’m still not sure yet what I will do that day. Oma’s comes soon after that. I like to remember them by doing things they would have enjoyed on their birthdays. This wasn’t going to be about that either.

Oh…..now I’m tearing up…..It’s just too bad if they don’t like me crying on the train.